So basically I’m writing this review while still watching the film because I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Let me put it this way… in an attempt to get healthier, and to bolster the success I’ve had doing Weight Watchers, I decided to try and forgo having a drink anytime during a week day and save it for an occasional one with friends on the weekend. Within, oh I’d say, about 35 minutes, I was like “ Sorry kidney’s and Weight Watchers! Liver, you’ll need to take one for the team!” and I poured myself a rum and diet Dr.Pepper because this movie was just that bad. The film takes place in the town of Wheelsy South Carolina, which you don’t find out until well into the film, and you’re left imagining which of the many of our fine states would still have sheriff’s deputies calling children varmints, kicking them, and having a deer hunting party countdown. I would have thought it would have been a state significantly redder than Sc, but I guess the director of Slither proved me wrong. I must admit though, the heavily CGI created view of a beautiful valley was nice, until you realize it’s completely CGI’d in, and nowhere like that probably exists in SC, thus negating its entire existence, at least in relation to this film.
Basically there’s a big shot of a meteor as the first scene, to let you know “ HEY THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF THE METEOR, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY DESPERATLY TRY TO LATCH ON TO THE ZOMBIE/HOST MOTIFF, IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF THE METEOR!!” It then goes on to try and highlight the quirky personalities of each of the town’s residents in about 2 minutes, mainly focusing on the podunk head sheriff Bill Pardy and his past teenage crush “ Starla”. Yes, Starla (which always makes me think of that chick from Napoleon Dynamite) who married the town’s richest, slightly older man, named Grant Grant. Yes, also, Grant Grant. Who, btw, looks like Walter White and is played by the guy who did Henry in “ Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer” which made me both completely shocked and happy since that was such a good film, and he did so well in it, and saddened that he’d succumbed to this. Starla is played by a hot looking Elizabeth Banks, and of course, Grant Grant tries to get it on with her one night as they lay in their marital bed. She turns him down, he goes out to get drunk at a bar, meets some town hussy there, and somehow they wind up in the woods. He finds some slimy looking cocoon thing and being a country boy, decides to antagonize it by poking it with a stick, even though it looks like it’s about ready to explode. It does of course, and something that looks like a rattlesnake rattle shoots into his chest and he collapses. He picks himself up, dusts himself off, and seems ok, except from then on he has a huge craving for meat. Now being in Weight Watchers and on a diet, the one food I constantly crave when I’m watching my weight is meat products. I completely identified with his character at this point, and when he went to the store and ordered 14 rib eyes from the butcher, I thought, “ This guy is awesome!!!!! Make that 16 buddy, I hear you!!!” He then devolves into eating pets and livestock. He’s now being possessed by whatever (it’s never explained) that took over his body, and he goes back to the bar hussies house and pretty much rapes her with some tentacles that shoot out of his stomach. I’m going to call this action traped, because he does it several times throughout the film. Evidently he wasn’t satisfied just traping her. He goes home and tries to trape Elizabeth Banks, but before his stomach tentacles can get at her, she knocks him in the head with some furniture and a sheriff’s posse breaks in. Alien Grant Grant escapes… for now. The posse goes out and tries to find him to bring him in. They don’t find him but they find this:
the bar hussy Grant Grant first traped, swollen to the gill with alien spawn. It’s about here where the master dialogue and screenwriting comes into play. Upon seeing the posse, poor, now alien, bar hussy says: “I don’t feel so well…” to which the cunning sheriff replies, “ No shit.” Also, the stereotype of the dowdy small town lesbian sheriff’s deputy summed up by the ” Did you ever hit that?” ” She eats a boxed lunch” exchange also sealed the deal for me. It’s all down hill from there people. Basically pregnant bar hussy explodes, and tiny slithery phallic looking grub things shoot everywhere, take over the town, and infect everyone, turning them into zombies that still have Grant Grant’s memories and emotions for some reason. Now, I’m probably one of the LEAST PC, and most open minded, free loving people you will ever meet, but all the phallic penis euphemism’s in this film, from here on out, just got old. What do you think of when you see this:
Why, what ever could they be hinting at there?
Now that is subtedly people!
They try and track down the boss level of Grant Grant. Elizabeth Bank’s uses her banging bod and pre Definitely Maybe/ Hunger Games/other romcom fame, to trick boss Grant Grant. She stabs him, he’s defeated, and EB, Sherriff guy and the residual, one surviving, hot, barely legal teen girl in the bathtub alien fellatio scene all walk off better people for having survived. Unless you have more booze than I do on hand, you could probably skip this one.
Where it all began!!! http://finalgirl.blogspot.com/